I'm Thankful for Clarity of Mind

Is it really Thanksgiving already?

It's been two months since I wrote last - a very long, crazy, exciting two months. I guess keeping up with this with everything else on my plate has been a lot harder than I thought (obviously). Maybe that's why I can't really be a "writer" - I always seem to find other things to do instead, i.e. writing my thesis, sleeping, watching Korean dramas, etc.

It's hard to know where to start in all the insanity of this Fall, but I felt compelled to finally write based on a heavy weight that was just lifted off my chest with an e-mail containing less than two paragraphs.

As one could tell from some of my previous posts, after my August trip to Atlanta, my itch to return home or at least move to a city had become a fully fledged emotional rash. Everything in those first weeks back in Washington revolved around my return to Atlanta in December.

But as I became comfortable in my new position as a part-time director of Saint Martin's ESL program, made new friends in both Lacey, Olympia and Seattle, and also had some great West Coast adventures with a few of my best friends on this side of the country - my sureness of moving home being the right decision wavered.

Doubts arose. Could I leave a job I had luckily been given and that, at the age of 26 and with little experience, it might be difficult for me to find or qualify for in a big, competitive city? If I move to Atlanta, what will happen to my passions for rock climbing and skiing - considering these pursuits are more challenging to continue in the South? What will happen to my relationships here in the PNW, my friends on the West Coast - as dramatic as it sounds, how will I get to see them again? What if I'm leaving Washington for the wrong reasons?

Some of these are a bit irrational. Of course moving to be near my family is a great reason. And clearly, I will always find a way to travel and visit my close friends, especially when I remember that they have been spread out all over the world my entire life...

But the job thing. Boy, that one was a doozy.

This is the first time in my life when I have stopped to consider that I might not make it. I may not get a job. The economy is bad. I'm inexperienced and young. Blah blah blah. Normally, my thoughts are more along the lines of - "Whatever happens, I'll make it work!" In fact, one of the greatest compliments I've received (from my good friend Chris) was that in fact, I always do make it work. Nonetheless, these thoughts have been right there below the surface in the last few months.

It's not all bad though. The other reason I've reconsidered moving is that I happen to love Saint Martin's and the people I work with. In fact, I don't know that I've ever so quickly and easily enjoyed the company of my coworkers in any serious job before. I also am excited at the prospect of pursuing program development and administration, particularly in terms of ELL and ESL education at the high school and university level - and this job has been a great initiator for helping me discover that interest.

Back and forth, back and forth. I kept questioning what I should do. And then, a major bomb was dropped on my plans to move home in December.

Sometime in October, around the time I was hoping to receive approval to being conducting the interviews for my thesis, I found out that the school district in which I am going to do my research only reviews proposals three times a year - and the next date was mid December. The same date I planned on leaving Washington. The news, at first, sent me into an emotional frenzy in which I found myself in my mentor's office, crying and babbling about the pros and cons of this new development until I calmed down (she's great for that).

Once I stopped behaving so typically like myself (emotional), I realized that this was the sign I had asked for...

I didn't want to make the decision about whether to ask my bosses at Saint Martin's to consider me for the full-time position as ESL director. I didn't know how to decide, to choose. This development had pretty much helped me realize that, if I was going to have to be here a couple of months longer for research, I might as well give myself the option of staying even longer for a job I loved. Though my immediate reaction did cause some inner concern, I decided I needed to woman up and see what would happen.

I waited until this week to talk to my boss. A strategic maneuver, since last week was the culmination of about two months of serious, nonstop work putting together one of Saint Martin's biggest Fall events, Taste of Culture, of which I was the coordinator. Not only have I done an admirable job (with NO training) directing the ESL program, I also managed - leading an awesome team - to pull off what a lot of people on campus said was the best Taste of Culture yet. I figured, having this behind me, I was more likely to be considered for the full time position.

Still, in the last few weeks, even knowing the job would truly be a great opportunity, I was hesitant. I miss my family. I miss my sister. I miss city life. I also miss the sun - I literally can't remember when the rain began again in Washington, but it has been torrential and unwavering. I still feel in many ways I need to leave Washington for a fresh start in important areas of my life, namely the potential for romantic relationships and the rebuilding of my friendship with Esteban, but the job could be the game changer.

Some days, these thoughts seemed to take precedence over the job thing. Some days, the job was all I cared about. But I had the conversation with my boss anyways.

And today, in less than two paragraphs, he lifted away all my doubts and confusion and helped me see what I want.

They will not make the director position full-time, it will remain a part-time position, whether I want it or they hire someone else. I hadn't even considered that they wouldn't reinstate the director's position as full-time for a non-interim director. They would love me to stay, but as I have told them I will not if it is part-time, then they will advertise to fill the part-time job.

Whew.

All I feel is relief. Heavenly relief. Clarity of mind. I know, for the first time in months, exactly what I want.

I love this job, but I will just have to figure out a way to work my way up to something similar - or find a new path - starting in Atlanta and ending who knows where (Malibu anyone? South Korea maybe? Back to my first love, Espana?)

So now, I have something huge to be thankful for on Thanksgiving - a long with all the other blessings in my life. Hurrah!

Too legit to quit

 

My new big girl desk. Very legit.

So, I'm a pretty lucky girl - which is often brought on by being pretty hard working. In fact, I'm a firm believer in making luck by doing/being the best you can be, even when its difficult or other people try to bring you down in some way.

This leads me to the announcement of my new job (of which I already have several - but hey, I can sleep when I'm dead), Interim Coordinator of ESL at Saint Martin's University. Yes, that's right, I am helping to organize and support the ESL program which I just began teaching in this summer (also by a stroke of luck and willingness to apply for a job others might deem as too low status for a grad student). So far, speaking honestly, I don't know a lot about everything that my job entails. But I am working hard, asking lots of questions, and learning day by day - which is so much more my style than a week of training anyways, so its perfect. I've already accepted a chair position for a major event hosted by the office (super fun) and I'm trying to figure out how I can help with the Dragon Boat Festival even if I'm moving later this year (the event is one of the biggest the International office is involved in AND I used to paddle with the dragon boat team that helps put it on, but its held in April...) Basically, its kind of, really amazing and I want to do the best I can and figure out if working in a program like this is somewhere I might be headed in the future.



Bri, Claudia and I at the Girl Power Hour G5 event.

As if that wasn't exciting enough, this past weekend I got my first, major, legitimate modeling gig (through an agency and everything), met some incredible people, and had a blast in Seattle.

On Friday evening, Bri Seeley, an astounding local designer, had me model for Girl Power Hour's G5 event. The event was an anniversary celebration for the orgnaization, of which Bri is a member, and her designs for her fall "Escape" collection were being featured. I would never say no to Bri, not only because she is ridiculously talented and an awesome person to be around, but she is also on her way to national - no international -fame as a designer, so I want to be able to say I modeled for her way back when :)

I love modeling events where I get to meet a lot of other people in the industry, or where I get to talk to people at all, which this was a perfect opportunity for. I spent the entire evening hanging out in one of Bri's most beautiful designs, befriending the gorgeous model Claudia, drinking with Bri and mingling with Seatllites, the likes of which I have not met before. It's not a hard night's work when you spend a few hours being told how gorgeous you look, being asked about your dress and having your photo taken. After-parties are equally fun. But the best part really was getting to spend so much time with Bri and making tons of new friends in Seattle.



Matt and I, reppin' ATL.

The rest of the weekend I stayed with Matt, an old friend of my brother's who I haven't seen in years, as well as exploring Seattle, a city I should have probably gotten to know a little bit better before I decided to re-re-locate back to Atlanta.

Oh, and of course, getting casted and modeling for a Goldwell/KMS hair show with one of the best (and funnest) stylists in the country.

No biggie.

And when I say no biggie, I mean, h.o.l.y. c.o.w.

I've never been to a real casting for anything, so "competing" against somewhere around fifty other beautiful women was a nerve-wrecking experience. I tried not to become obsessed with thoughts of being not skinny enough or not experienced enough, and instead tried to focus on being confident in who I was and what I've done. I guess it worked because Simon (the kick ass stylist) picked me - though I think it was just because I made the weirdest face when he was looking in my direction.

The rest of the days working for the show involved me getting beautiful cut and color, getting to know even more models and other awesome people, eating free food (yes they feed us actual food like subs and pizza) and doing the first runway show I've been in since high school.



The most awesome hair stylist ever, Simon, and myself.


In between prep and show days I got to check out some yummy resturaunts, bars and clubs with Matt, Dom (a good friend from Oly), Claudia, and other friends I met on Friday.

During all of this I realized some really interesting things about myself and my point of view that I suppose I kind of new, but were definitely newly understood in my mind.

1. I am a city girl. I love the outdoors, I love rock climbing and the beach and camping. But cities make me feel alive. I can be shy, but it gives me as much a thrill to put myself out there meeting new people as it does to lead a 10b. It's not like I've got to say this, but it feels great to dress up and eat delicious food and hop from bar to restaurant to bar and discover new places. I love how cities look, how their streets wind together, the feeling of walking down a street and maybe finding something new. I don't know if a lot of my friends can relate to that, but I love cities as much as I love the outdoors - and living in one again is something I cannot wait for. (No worries Atlanta folk, Seattle hasn't stolen my heart, I'm still headed back South... for a bit at least)

2. Confidence may be the sexiest thing a person can put on. And this is definitely a newer discovery of mine, though I've heard it before. People who know me well also know about my insecurities, of which I have many, and of which I have worked hard on overcoming. In some ways I have been succesful, but failed relationships and certain experiences can be damaging to a girl's self-image, so it has certainly been a struggle.



Talented, smart and sweet ladies back stage.

I don't know if it was Bri's design (without a doubt a major part of it), or getting casted this past Saturday, or meeting new people who seemed to really respond to my personality positively and show true interest in getting to know me, but I have never felt more confident - nor have I ever been responded to in the same way I was this weekend. Random people were coming up to me and comlpimenting me and talking to me as if they couldn't help but do so. Sure, this is pretty darn expected at an event or show where I am modeling, but it was happening in bars and restaurants too. Best of all, women were the most complimentary and I have a whole new list of girlfriends to get to know and to call when I am in Seattle.

Not only did I actually feel confident - not just pretended to be - and therefore feel that people saw me differently, I also felt more generous and accepting of people. I wasn't so nervous that I had to talk constantly or insecure that I had to focus on how I sounded or acted. Because I was able to be myself and feel good about it, I also noticed what a better listener I was. I could actually pay attention to the conversation without needing to check myself or stream on because of nerves. I never realize before how much my insecurities affected my ability to be a good listener, something I am always trying to improve upon.

3. And last but not least, and this one is going to be hard to explain fully, but I learned a bit about the feelings you have when you meet someone. I'm talking about that instinctual, gut feeling that you experience when you are just getting to know someone. Friends, relationships, or otherwise. The answer to questions like, Is this someone I want to know more about? Is this someone I could care about? Is this someone I want in my life? And the discovery of why the answer to any of those questions is yes.

I met a lot of women this weekend whose attitudes, drive and personalities drew me in, inspired me, even if just a little, and who I hope to add to my circle of friends. Maybe it was part of my personal confidence gains, but I have never connected so well with so many women (aside from all of my wonderful girlfriends in Olympia - though that took a year or so) who I sincerely felt interested in becoming closer to, and who seemed to return that desire.



Dom and I out in Seattle, lookin' good and feelin' great!

I also realized the difference between meeting someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex if your interested) you think is really kind and fun, someone you think is really fun and attractive, and someone you actually are interested in pursuing (or hope will pursue you). I, by no means, am interested in the latter in Seattle, but after serial monogomy and previous relationships - I may have finally learned a little about my own heart and mind when it comes to men. What I want and don't want. What is important or not important, and when those things matter. Things like that...

After this weekend of fun, which I earned after a lot of hard work, I feel re-energized, happy and in a way, powerful. I see how blessed I am. I am making things happen for myself. I am enjoying each day to the fullest. I know where I am going, at least in the next six months, but I am flexible and strong enough to take on any callenge or change that time might bring.

Now I'm ready to tackle the next week and a half of craziness before I celebrate submitting my thesis to the review board and head to Los Angeles for more adventure!

A long winded reflection on how four or five weeks can change your life

Yesterday, I very happily accepted a semester of teaching in my university's ESL program this fall, a result of my success working in their summer exchange program for a short but exciting four weeks. Having been lucky enough to be offered once again the title of adjunct faculty along with two courses this fall, I've been thinking a lot about my time in the summer and what it meant to be working in this program, both for the students and for  myself.

Four weeks isn't much, but it's definitely changed my point of view - and I'm betting the students have been affected as well.

Some of my summer students at the farewell dinner doing what they do best - being adorable.

I can guess how important the program was for the students, even if it was such a very short time, because of a few things. First of all, anyone who cries as much as many of my students did at the farewell dinner isn't putting on a show (or they should just quit their day job and get into acting right now so they can start co-starring with beautiful actors like Brad Pitt before he gets too old). It's pretty much assumed studying abroad will build new attachments and emotional experiences, but I am talking about the kind of crying where saying goodbye becomes sobbing and a chain reaction of wails start and pretty soon everyone is sitting in their own salty puddle of tears. And believe me, I am not mocking them. Their sentimentality took me back to my own experience studying abroad in the summer when I was in the exact same position, another reason I can bet this program has affected at least a handful of these students for the rest of their lives.

Anyone who knows me also knows of my love for Spain, in particular Madrid. Some might call it an annoying obsession, and by that I mean most of my college friends have the instinctive urge to scream as soon as they hear mention of anything to do with Spain because for four years I didn't stop talking about it.

Ever.

I mean, look, I'm still talking about it now.

Most know that my passion began just over six years ago when I set off for a five week summer study abroad program with about sixty students I didn't know, a freshman level of Spanish and a first timer abroad excitement that couldn't be matched. Five weeks, much like this same program I taught in, that many students spent with their American counterparts giving Americans the rep they've earned in most European countries, criticizing the Spaniards for their lack of English, their staring, their horrible service in restaurants, etc. etc.

No judgement or anything, but it wasn't really my style - nor that of the handful of close, life long friends I made on that trip.

One of my best friends and I - we can't seem to stop having laughter filled adventures, even now :)

Sure my little group partied just like most college aged Americans, or lets face it, foreigners do in a foreign country. But we made it our business to find and befriend Spaniards, to enjoy each moment without complaint or restraint, to make the most of every bit of our study abroad experience - even if that meant we slept less than two hours each night, got lost and missed trains, slept in crazy hostels or on the floors of friends' flats, ate olives and potato chips for dinner, skinny dipped for the heck of it, or walked six hours just to get to our beds. I'm sure that the program was great for everyone else, but for us, it was life changing.

After five weeks in Spain, I discovered my ultimate passion - travel and language. I found myself constantly working towards the same attitude I had during that time, the ability to let the bad just roll off my shoulders- whether it was losing all my luggage or leaving important tickets six hours away on my desk in Madrid. I understood what it meant to find friendships that were mutual, deep and true. Not only did I meet some American girls who have been and will be important in my life forever, but we found Spanish friends that have had a huge impact on us as well - one of us even married a Spaniard!

A day of packing and tears. Hasta siempre.

During my last week in Spain, I was exactly like my students at the farewell dinner this summer. I cried, more than once, not ready to return to my life in the US. And not the pretty graceful kind of one tear rolls down the cheek crying, I mean the what-am-I-gonna-do-without-my-jamon-and-Spanish-loves kind of snotty sobbing. At our goodbye dinner, I read a short piece I wrote about the experience, barely able to get through it as the tears of my friends, American and English, our teachers and the staff kept rolling. I ended with this little bit, something I keep with me at all times:

"This is a toast to the plans that fall through, to embracing the unexpected, to learning there are a million possibilities out there, and to one day, week, or month changing your life. This is a toast to living each moment as your last and to truly good friends you are lucky to have in a foreign country. Here is to Spain."

No time or event or one person has affected me as much as those five weeks, those experiences and those people.

But something I never thought about before, was the people who made it possible. Sure, I thanked my teachers and the staff at that time, giving them hugs and sharing tears, but it never really hit me until now what an impact they had on the success of that program and its affect on me. My teachers there became my friends. They didn't care if I was late, hungover or missed class, except for some minor teasing and a slap on the wrist. We kept them up at all hours of the night and they laughed with us the next morning. My teachers and the staff introduced us to our Spanish friends, took us on tours and gave us starting points for exploring, kept us safe while also telling us which bars would be fun or taking us salsa dancing. Heck, I'm pretty sure one of the guides rigged a photography competition so that I would win the second place prize (not the first), a dinner at a restaurant I had been dieing to go to but couldn't afford.

The winning photo. Notice the man in the wheelchair, the element that helped me win with this chance shot.

And now, I've had the chance to be that person (not that I'm rigging competitions or anything). In a program just like the one that changed my life I got to be the teacher this time and not just watch as perhaps a young person's life was changed by their own study abroad experience, but become a part of it. I got to teach English in a stress free fun way that helped students enjoy their time more easily and meet my American (well American, Scottish and Ecuadorian) friends. I got to explore new cities, shop and eat with these enthusiastic and eager students. I got to have girl talk, paddle board, play basketball and rock climb with them - and none of this was because I had to, but because it was fun.

Thinking about it, maybe these students won't feel the exact same way I did about my time in Spain. But the opportunity to teach in an exchange program once again this fall thrills me, because its just another opportunity to help create that experience for these students once again. Knowing this at the beginning, remembering how affecting an exchange program can be, I think I will be an even better ESL teacher as well as a better part of the program, so maybe in six years a student will think back to the most important time of their life and not only remember their crazy adventures and friends, but also remember me.

It's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it. I'll miss these guys, but I'm looking forward to meeting my next group!